Lapis, Pearl and a hole lot of confusing feelings
by Pearlislove
Summary: Lapis is forced move back to the temple, and she ain't happy. Specially not when Steven goes to play with Conny. Can a stupid suggestion form Amethyst and some talking to Pearl fix that?
1. Chapter 1

I didn't actually know what I was doing. After the incident with the Rubies looking for Jasper, both me and Peridot had been forced to come with the other gems back to the temple out of fear that they'd come back and try to kidnap us when they realised Jasper wasn't on Neptune at all.

Like it mattered anyway, I wouldn't mind being kidnapped... at least then I didn't have to control what was happening to me, that power would be in someone else's hand. The thought of not being in control was relaxing, because ever since I was freed from being Malachite, I had been sick and tired of having to control everything.

It never worked out for me anyway. As soon as I decided to stay with Jasper, we're separated again (not that I minded that one in particular, mind you) and when I decide to stay in the barn, I have to leave because it might be dangerous. As if the very existence of a group of gems on Earth, and the fact that I seemingly affiliated with them, wasn't dangerous enough.

Needles to say the move back to the so-called 'Temple' in that one little town, Beach City, wasn't made better by Peridot having one of her extremely childish outbreaks, kicking and wailing as Garnet lifted her up and put her in the car in order to show her dismay over being forced to leave the barn.

The first few week in the temple was okay, I guess. Steven kept me company and tried to make me feel happier even though he knew I would have preferred to stay in the Barn, and he also did the same for Peridot. In my case, though, even the other gems proved compassionate enough to help me as well, though I noticed that that compassion did not extend to include Peridot, which was entirely understandable since she was quite the pain in the ass.

So, for the first few weeks everything was totally fine, and ever so slightly i was starting to enjoy my new life in Beach City with the Crystal Gems. All in all it didn't seem like being forced to stay was going to be so horrible after all.

The problem was when Steven didn't have time to hang out with me anymore.

Suddenly, I didn't know what to do. Without Steven around the other gems weren't nearly as social and they also spent time outside the temple a whole lot less, leaving me alone and bored and thinking all too much about what had happened to me during the past year or so. It started to feel really heavy and bothersome.

"Yo, Lapi-Lazi! You ok?"

I looked up from the couch cushion i had been staring at for the last half-hour to find Amethyst sitting on the kitchen counter ( something she only dared to do when Pearl was not around) and devouring a bag of god knows what that was spreading crumbs everywhere. Personally i was still having trouble with the concept of 'eating', though the fluid food recommended by Pearl had turned out to be quite enjoyable.

"I am fine, _Amy._ Just extremely bored." I sigh, looking back at the couch pillow.

"Why don't you sneak into Pearl's room? That's what i do when I'm bored. There's a passage from my room to hers that you can use if you want to?" Amethyst say, picking up an other bag of disgusting food after she finished the first one.

"And **why** exactly, would it be of interest for me to go to **Pearl's** room?" I dead-panned, feeling that even though I was bored and depressed there had to be something better to do than sneak into the room of the very gem that had the mirror I had been trapped in stored in her gem for a few thousand years… even if I always liked the way Pearl's were designed, even defective ones like her. Even if i had started to slowly forgive all the gems, I still didn't feel that comfortable Peridot and Pearl in particular, not without Steven.

"I dunno" Amethyst shrugged. "That's what I like to do when i'm bored. Plus it's, like, a ton of water in there, so you could probably have some fun and prank Pearl or something."

I glance over at the door, feeling mildly interested after Amethyst mentioned that Pearl's room had a lot of water, ideas for possible pranks I could pull on her already appearing my head. It was not that I was particularly found of the idea of pranking the other gems, or sneaking into their rooms for that part, but i was bored out of my mind and this idea was at least half decent.

"How would I get into her room, then? Only the gem in question can open the room to their own room" I asked, already seeing a problem with the plan arising, but somewhat hoping Amethyst ha d a solution.

"You could go via mine. There's a direct connection in one of the pools, and I could open the door to my room for you" Amethyst smiled mischievously, lighting up her gem and using it to open the door, giving me access to some kind of dark cave that I could only assume was supposedly Amethysts room.

Smiling a creepy kind of towards Amethyst, I thanked her for opening the door and immidatly headed inside, the door closing behind me so abruptly that the abck of my skirt almost got caught in it.

Looking around inside the room, I found myself quite stumped. The inside of Amethyst's room was far from everything I had imagined it to be, even my most extreme moments of boredom, but it sure as hell were _fitting_ for her character. She a messy slob who rarely cared for personal hygiene or the state of her surroundings, and the cave reflected that. It was a dark and crowded place filled with stacks of random human garbage that sometimes went all the way up to the (very high) ceilings of the cave

On the floor there were deep puddles with clear blue water, and as I wandered around and absentmindedly decided to look into one. When I did look into it, I was taken by surprise.

There, reflected in the waters of the puddle I was staring into, was Pearl. In the waters reflection, I could watch her dance around on high pillars made of water, using graceful steps and jumps worthy of a prima ballerina. At that moment, for the first and hopefully only time, I found myself thinking that Pearl was _stunningly beautiful_. The thought took even me by surprise at first, but as she kept dancing and I kept watching I came to embrace the idea, because it was simply true. Nothing could compare to Pearl's beauty as she moved across the water pillars, calculating her moves to match a rhythm only she heard.

I leaned closer to the puddle, closer to the beautiful image of Pearl's slender body moving to non existing music. The whole scene played out and mirrored in the enchanted waters were so mesmerising, so very enchanting that I didn't notice how close I came to the puddle I had gotten before i felt my entire body being tipped forward, over the edge and down into the crystal-clear waters.

The first thing that I felt when I fell down was that the waters were deep and ice cold. The cold quickly numbed my body as I was approaching the bottom, and I started to feel worried that I had accidentally jumped into the right pool. All other 'transportation-pools' I had been in had brought me out on the other side immediately but right now i just kept falling, deeper and deeper until finally the surface was too far away for me to have a hope of ever resurfacing, and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to fall through to the other side, either.

"Oh my gosh, Lapiz! Are you okay?" An all too familiar voice called out for me, and as I finally hit the bottom of the puddle and a pair of slender arms reached out for me, wrapping themselves around my waist and pulling. The white pale arms kept pulling and pulling until I somehow fell through the seemingly solid sand and finally came out on the other side of the 'transportation-pool'.

"Wha...who? What happened…?" I answered woozily, still not sure what happened. I had really started to believe it was impossible to come through, or that I had fallen into the wrong pool, but then whoever was talking to me (my vision was still quite blurry) had reached out and pulled me out and I now had to be in either Amethyst's or Pearl's room.

Imagined this room was a lot lighter and less dirty, but with my vision not really working the way it should I couldn't be sure.

"Oh sweetie...I usually lock the connection between mine and Amethyst's room because she always use it to come here and prank me. I didn't know you would come through there! How long where you even in there? It could be dangerous!"

As my vision cleared up, I could see Pearl standing above me and looking down at me with a clearly concerned face. Realising that _she_ had been the one to pull me out made my cheeks colour red as I was filled with shame and embarrassment over having to have her save me.

"I don't know " I said as an answer to her questions, at the same time realising how frozen I felt after my time in the ice cold waters of that puddle, despite the much warmer temperatures in Pearl's room compared to Amethyst's. "felt like a while."

"Oh no no no" Something hot and heavy hit my shoulders, most likely some kind of quilt, and I watched Pearl's slender, pale hands as they moved up and down my body, fixing and tucking in the bright red quilt around me. Even though I know there was nothing sexual about the action in itself, it still made me feel hot and flustered and i didn't know why.

It wasn't like I liked Pearl

Or that she reminded me of myself

Or that I had grown to like her for more reason than that Steven liked her

"I'm sorry I interrupted you dancing" I hated making apologise, but felt a clear need to make small talk, anything to distract Pearl from looking at my flustered face or ask about my sudden shyness, as opposed when we were normally around each other. I couldn't let her in on my thoughts about her, not when I had only showed hostility earlier.

"You saw me dance, Lapiz? How?" Pearl Arched her brow, but then she laughed happily. "Just kidding. I know I reflect in the mirror in Amy's room, she use it to spy on me sometimes. That's how she knows when I'm crying. Anyway what were you doing in Amy's room?"

Now it was my time to feel concerned. 'That's how she knows when I'm crying'... she had said it so easily, as if it wasn't a serious confession from her side, but more of an everyday happening. I didn't like that Pearl was belittling obvious problems that others could help her with.

"Amethyst let me in. She suggested I prank you since I was bored." I said dismissively, feeling as if it was more important to discuss what possibly could cause her to cry. "But why would **you** be **crying**?"

The smile that had previously been there in Pearl's face, shining so very beautifully and putting a smile on my face as well, quickly disappeared as she heard my question, frowning instead.

"I'm old. I've dedicated decades to serving vicious gems who loved to plague those below them. I've been in a five thousand year long war, fighting for freedom and independance. I've found and lost the love of my life. Though I try not to, there will always be things to cry over. That's how it work if you're a Pearl." Pearl sight, A light blue blush for some reason appearing on her cheeks as she sat down on the by flowing water created floor in her room.

"I never cry." I said slowly. "And I'm old, too. They don't make me anymore. I've been abused and used against my will my entire life, but I still do not cry. Neither should you."

Pearl looked at me a moment, her facial expression changing over and over, as if she simply couldn't settle on one emotion to portray. Finally, she laughed. The sound scarred me, because it sounded almost maniacal. I wondered if I had done something, Activated some old memory or pushed her over the edge somehow.

"But your made of different stones, Lapis. There's an entirely different life built into you, and it make you feel and see everything **different**." Pearl said. "I'm made of soft material, made to be used and recycled, replaced when I was no longer functional. What little life there's in me, it's all because I'm defective."

"Defectiveness push a gem over the edge. A gem with a defective core can't function as intended, for they do not perceive the world as intended. If your Pearl is defective, it will quickly show in form of abnormal behaviour and lack of completion regarding your demands." I said, reciting a clause from an old manual for a shipment of pearl's that I had read once.

"Exactly." Pearl answered calmly, no longer laughing and instead nodding in confirmation." Rose..I mean our old leader always said that it was my Defectiveness that made me cry. The defect cause me to be filled up with...everything, but I can't process it. It easily get too much that I don't know how to handle, and then, I cry."

I was amazed at how calmly she explained everything. Now it was **she** who sounded like she was reciting some kind of manual, a description of how things should be.

"Does the others all know this?" I had to ask. I had to know if everyone else already knew, or if I beside this Rose was the first to be let in on her secret.

"They know, but we don't talk about it, because I don't want Steven to know. Besides, I think they more see it as just…" She trailed off, seemingly not knowing how to finish the sentence. "Anyway, how are you feeling? Warmer now?"

"Uh, yeah, sure….Though gems normally don't really get cold, ya know…" I answered uncertainly, despite this dragging the quilt closer to my body. The waters **had** been coled, and just thinking about it sent chills down my spine. "But thanks anyway"

"No problem. I'm sorry I didn't think of it earlier. I was just so shocked to see you here. I was convinced being with me was the last thing on earth that you wanted to do."

"yeah well… I was bored, to begin with. But then I saw dance and...it was really good. Better than any other Pearl I've ever seen. Actually, I didn't even know Pearl's danced." I smiled, but inside I just wanted to hit myself, all too aware of how 'Homeworld* of me it sounded.

"I dance. I was trained for it. All my owners loved it….and I love it." She smiled, it was obviously fonder memories than I thought. "From possession to passion."

"You know, I...I like dancing too." I commented shyly, her talk about her passion for dancing having awoken a memory in my head. For my inner eye I could hear soft music, hear the sound of flowing water and flying silk dresses as I moved around to the ryht, the water and my silk dress moving along with me. I could even her Blue Diamond's Pearl applauding for me when i was done.

"Really? Oh that's wonderful1 Would...would...would yo…. " Pearl struggled to finish the sentence, her face growing more and more concerned for every try. Finally she gave up, a slight whimper escaping her lips as she looked away from me in shame.

"i want to dance, Pearl. With you." i said softly, reaching out with my hand and grabbing her face, turning it back to me. The, I roe from my sitting position and extended my hand for her to grab. "May I?"

First, Pearl laughed. It was beautiful laughter, light and fluttery like a summer breeze. Then, she smiled and nodded, looking oh so grateful that I decided not to call her out on her problem.

"I would love to! She said, grabbing my hand and hoisting herself up on her feet. "As long as you can keep up with me!"

"Oh I can keep up with you!" I laughed, grabbing her arm harder and spinning her around, once, twice, away from me and back again.

Switching arms, suddenly she's spinning me but I keep my balance as she twirl me back and forth, once, twice, away from her and back again before catching me with both arms and locking me against her.

Turning around and getting up on my toes, I let my arms slowly move down to her minimalistic waist, letting them rest there for a minute before hoisting her into the air, involuntarily feeling impressed as she made a mid-air spin and landed on her toes in front of me.

"You're really good at this!" She exclaimed, but I didn't answer, instead placing my hands right back on her hips and dragging her closer, spinning us around both one, two and three laps before she grabbed my arm and threw me out into a spin, immediately dragging me back in and locking us together afterwards, pressing us so close together that I couldn't remember the last time I was this close to someone voluntarily.

Then, the tingling started, the queasy feeling in my stomach and the dizziness in my head. All the signs that my gem was about to glow, because it wanted to _fuse_ , right here and right now with the gem right behind me.

My gem started to glow and i knew there was no way back on my side. Now it was all up to Pearl. I felt kind of nervous, because it felt as if she denied you the right to fuse with her, it would be the end to something that hadn't even started yet. it felt like a devastating future, but it was more than likely to happen, also. You hadn't seen any of the gems fuse (well except the fusion but you didn't count the conundrums) and you got the feeling it wasn't something you took lightly on.

Then I stumbled on my skirt

Without being able to control what was happening, I dowe forward helplessly. Making contact with the water floor was cold and hard, but the real panic didn't settle in until I continued to tumble down, beneath the floors and into the water for real.

smack!

All I hear is a sound of one solid hitting against another and my entire body is suddenly filled with an explosion of intense pain radiating from my back and spreading throughout the rest of my form, paralysing me and making gasp for air even though no gems need to breath. I feel terrified, and I wonder what's happening, when I suddenly remember something.

I had been holding Pearl's arms

I realise that it must be her that crashed into me, after I tripped us both into the water. Shame is burning in me over having screwed up like that, btu I decide it's better to just try and get up.

Pushing off from the bottom and raising my arms above my head to start swimming, I suddenly notice that they're already above the surface, already sticking up out of the water.

 _What's going on?_

I really intended to say it, but somehow it only came out as a thought in my head, which appeared extremely strange to me, as it was the first time it happened.

 _Almost like being fused_ I mused, what was meant to be said once more coming out as thoughts.

 _Lapiz? Why are you...what is…?_

 _Pearl but how…? it's almost like…?_

Looking at my arms, at myself, I suddenly realise what happened. We fused, all by accident. We became on, a new creation entirely, and it wasn't even meant to , it just happened like that!

"i'm a fusion" This time, it's the fusion talking. Her voice is powerful and fill the air with it's presence, but every word it says still feels smooth like silk.

 _what's your name?_

It's Pearl talking, addressing the third party inside our head.

"i am...Aquamarine?" The fusion asked, frowning and shaking her head. We could feel it wasn't the right name. "Sapphire?"

Once again a wrong name. Sapphire connected to _fusion_ , but not with any of them. They were all in confusion now. Fusion names normally came natural into their mind, but it was hard this time. maybe it was because they originally didn't mean to actually fuse. Maybe because they wasn't in complete sync,

"Larimar?" Close but not there...it was familiar and warm, but it wasn't _her_. "Iolite"

As soon as she said it she knew she found it. Her name was Iolite. It felt so very good to finally say it alive, and to finally be alive. She did not want to unfuse, she wanted to stay like this forever.

For the first time in a very, very long time, Lapiz Lazuli wasn't hurting anymore

And for the first time in a very, very long time, Pearl, who was not like any other Pearl, wasn't lonely anymore.

and It was all thank to a dumb suggestion from Amethyst, and fusion named Iolite.


	2. Chapter 2

Neither Pearl nor Lapis had ever imagined being part of a perma fusion, or even fusion that stayed intact for than a few, quickly disappearing hours. Lapis had been forced to, but none them had ever even considered having a want to do it.

Until they became me, became Iolite.

Because after they accidentally fused, we felt so much like **this** was where we belonged, and **this** was what we wanted to do, that they (and I) didn't feel like we ever wanted to separate from one another, never give up on me and go back to an existence where they would be all alone and I wouldn't be at all.

I was everything they never knew they wanted or needed, and once we met in the holy art of fusion we finally realised what had been missing, and how much we'd been hurtig without even knowing it.

How much just a small thing could do to heal the largest wounds.

But the problem was, that all three of us knew what we wanted, but we didn't know how to move on from here. I didn't know if it was possible for me to actually have what I oh so desperately wanted, or if I'd have to give in and disappear again soon, and neither did they.

we needed advice from someone who knew. Who could understand the thoughts running through your head at an alarming speed, calming us down and helping us understand what we should do, because we had no idea and we didn't and couldn't know...

 _Garnet!_

 _Garnet!_

"GARNET!" They or we or me screamed, all our thoughts, fears and feelings finally catching up with me or us or them and despite the fact that I tried so hard I couldn't, I simply _couldn't_ keep the despair away from me and my voice.

There was simply no stopping. As it went on, the name you'd been screaming faded out and it was instead replaced with just a sound, the sound of screaming. Your voice started to waver and change, sometimes it was you, some Lapis and sometimes Pearl.

Then, your sight disappeared and everything exploded, pain starting in you chest and spreading through your entire in no time at all, making you feel as if you were burning up on the inside, and still drowning all the same.

Everything faded out and your not sure what happened until you feel a hand on your shoulder. It's massive and not so gentle, shaking your painfully sore body awake and when you open your eyes Garnets face is in front of yours, visors gone and a serious expression. You don't know if you're supposed to be afraid or worried. You barely know who you are.

"Where's Pearl?" It's the first thing that come out of your mouth and you soon regretted ever saying anything, wishing you would have kept quiet, because it sound like a whiny child calling for mommy but you can't help that you miss what you had, what you were doing… you missed pearl, and Iolite, and you needed to know if she felt the same.

Though first you probably owned Garnet an explanation.

"She's over there" Moving out of the way, she pointed to the other side of the room where Pearl was sitting on the floor, staring down in between her feet as her cheeks were heated and blue. "She wouldn't explain on her own, so could you please help tell me why you were screaming for me?"

Now I was blushing. I hadn't expected Garnet to be this... _exposed_. She seemed much more emotional and living without her visors, and it made me suddenly a whole lot more afraid.

I wanted to be Iolite again, because she made me feel like I could do anything. She chased away all the bad and left only the good things for me and her and Pearl to enjoy.

"It was Iolite that screamed." I whispered. "She's our fusion…"

"You fused!?" There's anger in Garnet's eyes, now, and she turn around, run for Pearl and try to grip her but she just slip away and instead you can see that she's going for you, for your embrace rather than Garnets hard grip.

"Pearl…!" I heard Garnet calling for her friend but I didn't really care as I felt Pearl's warm alabaster body crash into my embrace, her arms clinging onto mine as she was practically begging me _not to let go_.

I wasn't planning to let go

Seering pain and a blur of colours appear around me and I just know that there could be but one thing that happened when Pearl hugged me, when she came close and didn't want to let go: we fused. Seeking comfort in eachother and in the only thing that ever felt so right for us, we fused into Iolite.

Somehow Iolite have fallen over on her back and when she sit up she see Garnet, so much smaller when she's there than when she's apart, with a huge grin on her face and a look in her eyes that's almost admiring.

"You fused!" She says and she doesn't sound mad or angry she sounded happy and content and amazed and you can't help but laugh because it felt so so good…

"Hi, I'm Iolite" You giggle, and Garnet does too. "I think we got some things to talk about…"

"Yes. tell me about yourself- how did you come to be to begin with?" She smiled contently, sitting down on the floor. It was clear her interest was genuine and I thought it was nice that she wasn't immediately against me, against us.

"Well, I'm Iolite, and..I love being me. like, I really love it. _we_ love it." I said, before letting one of them take control, she was known as Lapis to me and was a part of me. "And she ended up being because Amethyst told me, Lapis, to go to Pearl's room and prank her... and then we got to talk and things happened."

"How does it feel being you?" Garnet asked, getting up from where she was sitting on the floor and instead starting to circle me, inspecting my appearance from every angle. The fact that she was so interested in me was a little uncomfortable, but on the other hand I'd been the one to call for her from the beginning.

"it feels...right. like it's my destiny to exist. I don't feel like I ever want to be apart…" I paused, unsure to go about the next question. "Do I have to be apart?"

Garnets face twisted in surprise, her third eye closing and obviously showing her a vision. When she opened it again her face had twisted once more, and was now carrying a determined frown upon it.

 _She doesn't want us to be together … she's had a vision where it ends badly, I know it!_

 _Pearl please calm down, she hasn't said anything yet, maybe it will be okay?_

 _No no no no if Garnet think it's bad it can't be okay it just..._

As the voices in my head fought and screamed with one and another, I felt myself pushed closer and closer to the brink, closer to just giving up and defusing, never to be formed again. Maybe that would be for the best after all.

"I...I just know...those inside me...they're miserable on their own...but I can make them happy! I make them happy!" You're wailing now and the tears from your face is landing everywhere and not really helping you make a point but half of you has had a mental breakdown already and you simply can't help it. "I just want to keep existing!"

"You can."

Everything inside you just come to a sudden stop. Noone's screaming in my head, there's no tears, everyone's just quiet and staring at Garnet.

"I can?" It's not really one voice speaking from you, it's a combination of Pearl, and Lapis, and even me.

Garnet laugh. It is a loud, beautiful laugh that fade off into what could closest be described as a 'satisfied noise' that rise from her gut and spill out of her mouth like water from a fountain. The pleasantness of the sound and Garnet make me smile, and I laugh to for a little while.

It doesn't feel like anything is mattering at the moments, neither for me nore Garnet, and the only thing there is for us to do is to laugh and enjoy ourselves simply because we _exist_ , we _matter_ , and there is _nothing_ wrong with being _who we are_.

I feel happy, but there's still a nagging worry in the back of my head that just doesn't want to go away. Could it really be this easy? That i just said I wanted to exist and everyone would let me? Not even asking any questions?

Garnet accepted me, but she knew what I was feeling. She is just like me, and she got an understanding noone else do. What if Amethyst and Steven don't agree? What if they don't want me to keep existing…?

Hot tears start spilling down my cheeks as all my fears resurfaced, caring me to no end and making the voices in my head resurface, screaming and calling for me to listen while trying so hard to tell me what to do.

The overwhelming urge to do so many things instead lead to me being incapacitated to do anything at all except sitting on the floor and letting out hiccuping sobs. I felt pathetic and horrible and when the pain in my chest came back, I knew it wouldn't be long until I unfused.

"Iolite! Are you okay?" Suddenly Garnet's standing by my face and holding my shoulders with her glove clad hands, one filling me with fiery warmth, the other one with chilling cold. A clash as strong as Garnet's own existence being projected upon my body. It felt comforting and hurtful at the same time-

"I...what if….Amethyst and Steven... _Connie_!" You can't even stitch together a complete sentence, can't tell what's going on and the pain is increasing and i know in the matter of minutes I will be gone again and the people inside me lonely.

"Shhh, it's alright…" Garnets there with you again, leaning in and hugging you tight through the action get a bit off when you're for once taller than her, but then the strange thing happen: She reach up and kiss you on the forehead. The action feel familiar, but you don't know why. Maybe someone of those you know have experienced it before…

Suddenly, a memory is rushing to your head at neck breaking speed, and you don't know where it came from but see it clearer than anything else.

 _You and Garnet is standing outside the temple door, smiling, holding hands. You feel nervous and sweaty, btu know that you got to do what you are about to do now._

" _Hi, I'm Iolite. I am a fusion of Pearl and Lapis...I think. And uh...I'm going to be around for a while."_

 _Garnet is smiling at you, and Steven and Amethyst, who's been hiding on the couch, is smiling as well and rushing towards me screaming with happiness and anticipation over meeting a entirely new fusion._

After envisioning the scenario, which for some strange reason is one that haven't happened yet, I'm still crying, but now it was not from sadness but from happiness. because somehow in my heart, I knew, that _this_ was what was going to happen the moment I introduced myself to Steven and Amethyst. they were going to _love me._

"It's going to be alright" I smile and honest smile and feel one hundred percent satisfied, because, after all, everything is going to be alright.


End file.
